Next Time

Next time I’m going to jump in without jumping all the way.

Just to test the waters. I will skinny dip and with all of the play within me, I will tinker with an idea for more than a few seconds. I will let the hydration of that thought kiss and slide over my body and I won’t give a damn. I’ll be bare naked; revealing all of me without hesitation. Without insecurity. Without fear. And shall I come to feel a fear scratching upon my shoulder—that dry aching limitation, that aridness that I yearn to escape--I will drown it. My courage will be the waves and the waves will crack the bones of that desperate fear and pry it from the land to which it clung. Not a single part of me will be parched, but rather all of me will be drenched with adventure.

Next time I’m going to say it all without saying too little.

Or too much. I will tell all of my secrets with just a look, a glance toward the one who tells me to keep it all locked inside. I will unlock the door to that chamber where the deepest ones lye, and as they wish to come to see the light of the surface, they will. But I will not pry them as I have done before, and feed them to the strangers that they fear. What is meant to be will be in time, all will be revealed, but not without a careful choosing. A smile will say a million words, a lacking of one will tell a million more. And shall I feel like I my self shall be kept inside, and desire to run away, I will run toward that from which I desire to flee, confronting it. I will not back down.

Next time I’m going to make it clear all that I am.

And am not. I’m going to sit at the bar, and without a single drop of alcohol, behave as if I am drunk. That feeling where I know that I’m saying things, showing things, doing things that normally I would consider and then not do for one or two or three reasons or more. I’m going to be who I am at home, when I’m dancing in my panties in the living room or hand-scrubbing the floors in too-short daisy–duke cut-off shorts, my ass hanging out and up in the air, but I don’t give a shit. I’m going to be that free. I’m going to take an hour to decide on what I want…if it’s just ranch or ketchup. I’m going to, if I feel like it, protest against a decision and make it my own. I’m going to try all that it seems like I would not…especially the gross and scary. And when asked to do something fun and silly, I will do it on command. Just to make a heart laugh. I’m going to go from casual to formal. From business, to personal. And I’m going to make damned sure I look extremely good doing it.

Next time I’m going to be shallowly deep.

I’m going to skip over from one topic to another. I’m going to talk about all of the things that shouldn’t be discussed. I’m going to talk about religion and politics, but not money because that always makes me uncomfortable. I’m going to talk about death and then I’ll jump to that dream that I had the other nighty………….and...no wait, scratch that. Next time, I will listen. Carefully.Intently.

Next time I’m going to throw out all of the past bad experiences and the fears and reservations.

Nothing to hold me in or back. I’m going to get close despite the risks of being walked away from one more time. I’m going to go commando (body, mind, soul) for the thrill of it, feel the air in all those unfamiliar places and be exhilarated. I’m going to be it all next time. Whenever next time shall be.