Thought, Not Said / Online Dating Circus

Dear Beachboy:

Who said I “have great hair”: Thanks! Want to pull it? Oh, and when you said in your profile that you just want to hang out…are you referring to your dick or…? **delete response; delete message from inbox**

Dear Lrn2Spll:

Your college education doesn’t show when you choose to use numbers in place of actual words like “to” and “for” in your online dating profile. Impressing someone takes effort. Show some.

Dear WearsAviators:

You’re all hot until those sunglasses come off. Apparently a rare few remain so when they’re off.

Dear GoodLookin:

Crap! I’ve looked at your profile three times in the past 5 minutes on accident. Apparently I think you’re attractive. But I won’t message you first. That’s my rule.

Dear ScaryPsycho:

Is your profile meant to scare people away or actually draw in fellow psychopaths? I was going to respond in good humor but when I thought about it, you’re just too frightening. Even with your two kids.

Dear SupposedlyRich:

I don’t want a sugardaddy or financial supporter…(clearly stated in my profile which apparently you didn’t read)…especially if it’s you.

Dear SenorOldie:

I am only half your age, but from the looks of your photos, it seems like I’m a third of it.

Dear Unstoppable:

Looking at my profile every day even though you’re not messaging me (anymore) after I’ve not responded to a single message of yours in the past is creepy, not flattering. Just sayin’. Oh, but thanks for teaching me a lesson.

Dear Overbearing:

When we talk on the phone for the first time, don’t tell me that you think I’m working out too much and you don’t want me to lose my curve. Who cares what you want? On top of that, when I don’t answer your call it’s because I am………you guessed it…busy. A second one two minutes later doesn’t make me less busy or more available.

Dear AddMe2FB:

I know you just want a posse. I don’t want to be a part of it.

Dear MyXIsInMyPhotos:

Nothing is a bigger turn off than several photos with your ex hanging on you.

Dear IAmSOPositive:

It’s a dead giveaway that this is a lie when you start your profile ‘I am done with drama and with the bull shit fake girls out there who have ripped my heart out ’-OR- ‘I have money and I know how to treat a girl but if you think you’re getting jewelry from me, go f*cking buy your own baubles cause that sh*t ain’t coming from me any time soon’ –OR- ‘I am a positive person who hates abcdefg’.

Dear Charming:

Please find me soon.