Monday, May 30, 2011

The "Washington" Post

15 Things Noted While Visiting This Gorgeous State:

1) A knowledge of Geology makes the gorgeous drive up here even more breath-taking and full of wonder.

2) There is no scent more welcoming upon arriving from a long road-trip and having slept few hours along the way than the aroma of my grandmother’s home after she has just prepared a meal.

3) Tequila is forever my friend. He will always be welcome at any party I attend.

4) To cure virtual alcohol poisoning: mix equal parts understanding family; sassy new friends who give you a good dose of picking on your sorry butt camped out on the bathroom floor; comforting new friends who let you (1) sit in a corner of the bathroom while they pee, (2) give you towels to sit on for cushioning and (3) compliment your mad skills in the art of…well… while holding your hair back; two tablets of aspirin from someone (you couldn’t remember who the next day); too much water and a good night’s sleep (plus TONS of laughter and, surprisingly, a number of good memories).

5) No matter how hokey the pokey, or how chicken people are to dance the dance; no matter how not electric people’s feeling towards the slide can be, or how bad people want to cha cha slide their way out of dancing….these songs almost always get people moving on the floor & will definitely play on my wedding day.

6) I like laying on the floor. A lot.

7) Gardening is the one single activity that I can think of at the moment that can erase any thoughts at all from my brain while I do it. And for that, I am extremely grateful and have kindled a new love affair.

8) I garden barefoot and barehanded; I love manual labor; I love, love, love getting dirty, sweating etc.

9) I could live in Washington. For sure. In fact, I’d like to buy a house on land here in addition to a house on land in Colorado, and a nice little apartment in Los Angeles.

10) Cousins who bake well and regularly are extremely dangerous to be around on a daily basis.

11) I miss the stars and felt it was a huge treat to look at them through one of the sky windows when transplanting myself from the floor to the couch to sleep at God only knows what hour of the treadmill work-out at Aunt Cindy & Uncle Greg's.

12) I think really cheesy thoughts while hiking. For instance, while cross-country hiking downhill: “I am like the water. I flow effortlessly and with grace through the easiest route down the mountainside toward my home”. No joke…that was a thought I actually had, today.

13) My true wants in life are much simpler than I sometimes imagine them to be.

14) Despite the fact that I want answers from the Universe NOW, there is a time for all to be revealed, and a reason for everything. I am precisely where I need to be.

15) The real pleasure in life truly is not found in the material things that you have, but in those people who surround you, and in the small things in which you take pleasure. Life is a gift, the world is a treasure.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Next Time

Next time I’m going to jump in without jumping all the way.

Just to test the waters. I will skinny dip and with all of the play within me, I will tinker with an idea for more than a few seconds. I will let the hydration of that thought kiss and slide over my body and I won’t give a damn. I’ll be bare naked; revealing all of me without hesitation. Without insecurity. Without fear. And shall I come to feel a fear scratching upon my shoulder—that dry aching limitation, that aridness that I yearn to escape--I will drown it. My courage will be the waves and the waves will crack the bones of that desperate fear and pry it from the land to which it clung. Not a single part of me will be parched, but rather all of me will be drenched with adventure.

Next time I’m going to say it all without saying too little.

Or too much. I will tell all of my secrets with just a look, a glance toward the one who tells me to keep it all locked inside. I will unlock the door to that chamber where the deepest ones lye, and as they wish to come to see the light of the surface, they will. But I will not pry them as I have done before, and feed them to the strangers that they fear. What is meant to be will be in time, all will be revealed, but not without a careful choosing. A smile will say a million words, a lacking of one will tell a million more. And shall I feel like I my self shall be kept inside, and desire to run away, I will run toward that from which I desire to flee, confronting it. I will not back down.

Next time I’m going to make it clear all that I am.

And am not. I’m going to sit at the bar, and without a single drop of alcohol, behave as if I am drunk. That feeling where I know that I’m saying things, showing things, doing things that normally I would consider and then not do for one or two or three reasons or more. I’m going to be who I am at home, when I’m dancing in my panties in the living room or hand-scrubbing the floors in too-short daisy–duke cut-off shorts, my ass hanging out and up in the air, but I don’t give a shit. I’m going to be that free. I’m going to take an hour to decide on what I want…if it’s just ranch or ketchup. I’m going to, if I feel like it, protest against a decision and make it my own. I’m going to try all that it seems like I would not…especially the gross and scary. And when asked to do something fun and silly, I will do it on command. Just to make a heart laugh. I’m going to go from casual to formal. From business, to personal. And I’m going to make damned sure I look extremely good doing it.

Next time I’m going to be shallowly deep.

I’m going to skip over from one topic to another. I’m going to talk about all of the things that shouldn’t be discussed. I’m going to talk about religion and politics, but not money because that always makes me uncomfortable. I’m going to talk about death and then I’ll jump to that dream that I had the other nighty………… wait, scratch that. Next time, I will listen. Carefully.Intently.

Next time I’m going to throw out all of the past bad experiences and the fears and reservations.

Nothing to hold me in or back. I’m going to get close despite the risks of being walked away from one more time. I’m going to go commando (body, mind, soul) for the thrill of it, feel the air in all those unfamiliar places and be exhilarated. I’m going to be it all next time. Whenever next time shall be.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Thought, Not Said / Online Dating Circus

Dear Beachboy:

Who said I “have great hair”: Thanks! Want to pull it? Oh, and when you said in your profile that you just want to hang out…are you referring to your dick or…? **delete response; delete message from inbox**

Dear Lrn2Spll:

Your college education doesn’t show when you choose to use numbers in place of actual words like “to” and “for” in your online dating profile. Impressing someone takes effort. Show some.

Dear WearsAviators:

You’re all hot until those sunglasses come off. Apparently a rare few remain so when they’re off.

Dear GoodLookin:

Crap! I’ve looked at your profile three times in the past 5 minutes on accident. Apparently I think you’re attractive. But I won’t message you first. That’s my rule.

Dear ScaryPsycho:

Is your profile meant to scare people away or actually draw in fellow psychopaths? I was going to respond in good humor but when I thought about it, you’re just too frightening. Even with your two kids.

Dear SupposedlyRich:

I don’t want a sugardaddy or financial supporter…(clearly stated in my profile which apparently you didn’t read)…especially if it’s you.

Dear SenorOldie:

I am only half your age, but from the looks of your photos, it seems like I’m a third of it.

Dear Unstoppable:

Looking at my profile every day even though you’re not messaging me (anymore) after I’ve not responded to a single message of yours in the past is creepy, not flattering. Just sayin’. Oh, but thanks for teaching me a lesson.

Dear Overbearing:

When we talk on the phone for the first time, don’t tell me that you think I’m working out too much and you don’t want me to lose my curve. Who cares what you want? On top of that, when I don’t answer your call it’s because I am………you guessed it…busy. A second one two minutes later doesn’t make me less busy or more available.

Dear AddMe2FB:

I know you just want a posse. I don’t want to be a part of it.

Dear MyXIsInMyPhotos:

Nothing is a bigger turn off than several photos with your ex hanging on you.

Dear IAmSOPositive:

It’s a dead giveaway that this is a lie when you start your profile ‘I am done with drama and with the bull shit fake girls out there who have ripped my heart out ’-OR- ‘I have money and I know how to treat a girl but if you think you’re getting jewelry from me, go f*cking buy your own baubles cause that sh*t ain’t coming from me any time soon’ –OR- ‘I am a positive person who hates abcdefg’.

Dear Charming:

Please find me soon.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Waking Up Tired

Sometimes I wake so tired that I wonder if my soul, in the night, departed from my body and this world while I lye without motion and vision in my bed, to a parallel universe where time moves more rapidly yet feels slow and easy. A place where she, much like myself, poorly managed her time and took a late departure from this strange and wonderful world of my mind’s dream, depleting her energy stores, racing her way back to her home where she enters its fleshy comfort whereupon the couch of my heart seems to be calling her name, coaxing her to prop her feet if only for a moment. And as she returns, I myself awake, yet as she falls to rest in the deepness of my chest, I feel her weight and heaviness upon it and experience the day through a silk-screened haze, looking beyond where I am to where my soul has been, and dreaming as awake, of the places I will send her next.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hurt Fortress

Don’t try to break these walls from around me

This fortress that I’ve built is tall and strong. Meant to hold the masses out beyond me, and allow a rare few in. The drawbridge is up. I’m not ready to let it down for you to see what lies inside and turn, disappointed, to walk away. Like my “father”, like the friends, like all the lovers who spoke to me like Romeo to Juliette and left me with a dagger in my chest.

Don’t try to take this heartbreak out of me

My broken soul loves its wounds and battle scars; they build the world and the armor ‘round my heart, fashioned from the metal of hateful words that warn me of what is to come. Strengthened by possibilities I’ve learned to not imagine, as they only fade in time and become what I can’t be.

Don’t try to make me see the best parts of me

They only remind me of parts that have been stolen; the parts that make me smile when I don’t want to grin, when I’m so angry I could laugh. I don’t want to see. I’d rather stare down the barrel of the parts that lose when I don’t want to win and dig me deeper toward the grave that I create for my loathsome hyper sensitivity. I’d rather sit in conquest of my own burial, flinging dirt and debris onto the red beating flesh that I carry on my sleeve. The one that as you reach to take my arm and pry me from the pits of my own depth, you smother and arrest, stopping its beating for me, and taking it for your own.

Don’t try to tell me it’s alright

That it is all meant to be or not written in the stars; or point out what could happen if. I don’t want your hand to wipe the tear from my cheek, and I don’t want your arms around me for comfort or in attempt to take the weight from my shoulders and bare it on your own. I don’t want a solution, I want to fight with the problem, to wrestle it down ‘til it’s either the death of it or me.

Don’t try to talk me out of it

You’ll only talk me further in.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Like A Shower To My Soul

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy,a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create — so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating." -- Pearl S. Buck