Wednesday, June 29, 2011

"Just" Friends.

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic.

Just hearing from Stephanie tends to bring this out in me, which I love.

There's just nothing like when the closest thing you've ever had to a life-long sibling calls you up following a text message she received from you, to laugh at how absolutely ridiculous you are and order you to do something (which you know you need to do); reminding you that she still (after 20 years of friendship) knows you...and possibly too well!

When I say she's the closest thing to a life-long sibling that I have known, it means she's incredibly special. And while having found blood siblings and my father after a good several years of being just me and my mom is special, Steph holds a rank that is forever irreplaceable.

Seven years of living next-door to someone and spending as much time together as Stephanie and I did as kids tends to bring about a certain bond. I'm sure it's a little different for her as she actually had two siblings who lived in that house with her. But basically, I was a part-time resident in her home and she was a part-time resident of mine for those seven years. A fence may have separated the yards, but with how often we hopped it, it may as well have been gone; and certainly she should have had bunk beds in her room for how many times I slept on that floor!

Between us, two people couldn't be more different, but I think that is why I tend to do well with such friendships and in dealing with people who have completely different thoughts and realities than mine. The arguments she and I would have! Let me tell you, looking back, I see where we were both stubborn little asses and were actually at times rather dedicated to being self-disciplined and not talking to each other for an entire month when we were angry with one another and had vowed to do so.

The thing that makes me so grateful for mine and Stephanie's relationship, I think, is the fact that the relationship was never a given. It always took work, which I think creates something more of a treasure in my mind. Family just loves you. They kind of have no choice. But a friend loves you by choice even after seeing the worst and best parts of you. And this is my sort of point of this entry:

As a kid, I thought that I was alone. I had "no family". But Stephanie (who I've always seen as an older sibling--even though it's just a few months difference between us) told me something when we were 10 that I didn't grasp then but really have over the past few years: “Your friends become your family”.

Of course, she didn't make that easy. So many summers we would have the discussion about who was best friend status. It was always that Stephanie was my best friend, but Rachael Gladwin was hers. Oh, and heaven forbid that I look up to Stephanie. She was always convinced that I needed someone else to look up to. (In reality, I still at times see no one better).

The road of life separated us by hundreds of miles. We lost touch, got back into it, said hurtful things, had times of silence, had awkward moments, missed out on each other’s vital experience of High School and—in the case of Stephanie, I missed out on hearing her college experience while I opted out of that for the time being. But after all of those years apart, when we were reunited, it felt like we started exactly where we left off, which is something that honestly, looking back, I have not had with a single person ever before, or ever since. I maintain: she is special.

It was during the planning of her wedding that, I think for the first time ever, Stephanie and I talked rather unguardedly about the relationship between she and I openly, which to me felt a little odd…because words like “best friend” and “sister” seemed to be something that just wouldn’t come out of her mouth, like, ever. And I was finally okay with that because I knew how all of this felt to me. And as far as I was concerned, she was that friend that I made family years ago as she had advised.

On her wedding day, I gave a speech which was emotional. I am told there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. And I was so proud to have been able to be there and do that for my friend on her’s and her husband’s special day. But the best part of the whole experience, and quite possibly the best moment of our friendship thus far, was that she toured me around to her family—her actually family—introducing me as the girl who “is like a sister to me”, and later in the night, when my mom was driving her to her cabin, and her husband was in my car en route to the same location, words were shared between each duo about the value of my mother and I to she, her mother and her father. I will never forget that night.

Now it may be a little overkill to make an entire blog entry about the history of a friendship, but it’s just the way I am and, as Stephanie knows, most likely always will be.

So, here’s the thing—the actual point of this blog: I think in life, there is no thing as “just” friends. Each person that you have called a friend for any period of time has been more than a “just”. Each person changes you in one way or another. For better, or for worse. It can be an acquaintance that you just barely got to know, but something within you changes. A thought about the world, or a realization about yourself comes along. A friend of a longer period of time becomes a part of you and your history. And perhaps, even your family.

So to all of you “just” friends (but especially the ones who have become or always have been my “family”), the ones I talk to frequently, just barely at all. All of you, I want to take the opportunity to say that I love and absolutely cherish you for being a part of my life, past or present. Thank You!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Love, Yourself

**because I joined a daily challenge which benefits mind, body, spirit and this is a task: Letter describing your life, from you future self**


At present, ten years from where you are seems simultaneously like a lifetime away and like it will arrive tomorrow. You are uncertain of what your future will bring, but I’m writing to let you know where your future has brought you.

To begin with, you were awarded a substantial scholarship to the university of your choosing following having worked your butt off (without much strain to your social life) in community college, graduating with your associates and a 3.9 GPA. You also had taken all the not-fun classes ahead of time, which allowed you to take only the classes that were of interest to you or were essential to your major in University.

(By the way, your first student film turned out beautifully).

You graduated from your university Magna Cum Laude, which tickled you pink and put you in that mind-frame that you were at the top of the world and able to have and do whatever you want in life.

You wrote a screenplay and sold it to a studio who made it a huge hit. You even got to play one of the roles in it. The amount which your script was purchased for was a comfortable one and the fact that it was purchased at all boosted your confidence, launching you into a huge space of inspiration. You found your niche as a screenwriter and that is how you make your living, as well as occasionally acting in films, which you still do have a blast with. Yes, you have played a zombie with great make up, and yes you’ve also been put in period clothing…both in movies which you’ve written. You are working your way towards being comfortable directing your own feature film that you wrote.

You met a wonderful man that your family adores (and you love his, too). I’m not going to tell you the details but the relationship from the beginning was filled with excitement, adventure and that little bit of can’t-have-it that you love so much. Just the right amount so that it was fun and not torturous. He is an extremely ethical guy, the sex was (and still is) fabulous and frequent. No one turns you on more than him mentally and physically. He adores you, you adore him. That’s not to say that it isn’t work, but it is a type of work that you love doing. You both have that resolve which lets you know that no matter how hard things get, you won’t give up on one another in your relationship or goals. You guys really enhance each other, and motivate each other to move up in life professionally, emotionally, mentally and physically. You both love a challenge and have the most fun giving one to the other.

Your wedding was amazing, full of tons of family and friends, great food and was a great portrayal and celebration of your love and relationship. You danced the night away, had so many laughs your sides hurt the next morning, and so did your cheeks as you were smiling so constantly at being Mrs. So-and-So (and you LOVE your new last name).

You enjoyed a good couple of years just the two of you before deciding to start a family, taking small vacations around the world to explore it. You climbed El Capitan, learned to build that snow fort you wanted to (and yes, you camped in it for two nights), learned to dive, went sky diving…the whole shebang. You even found some new goals and achieved them, which came from his own desires. You two really expanded those first couple of years together and really grew strong as one as well as being stronger as individuals.

Your amazing photos from those trips and adventures now fill the hallways of your home, which you adore. It feels like a vacation there, and whenever you want a romantic night in, you watch a movie in your theater room together with a beer from your basement bar or wine from your wine cellar. You own property in California, Colorado, and Washington and you own that big dog you always wanted. In fact, two. A boy and a girl dog. You trained them both to do all sorts of cute and obedient things, which was a huge reward for yourself. And you love them like children. In fact sometimes, when your husband is away on business in Los Angeles and you are in Denver or Washington, you actually spoon with them in the bed that your husband says they can’t sleep in (oops).

Life progressed and when you two did decide to start a family, you really did it right and went all out. You had a lot of fun making that baby. I won’t go into details but like I said before, your relationship is FULL of adventure.

Currently you’re 36 and you have a two year old who is just as you imagined your kid would be. Mischevious, smart, sassy, stubborn and opinionated, but tons and tons of fun and extremely entertaining to be around. Your writing allows you to be home and spend enough time with the baby and you’re getting down to work on making your second kid.

You’re very proud of your life and where you’ve been. You’ve continued to develop your own spiritual belief system which fulfills you well. Your relationships with your family have strengthened and Carolyn has become a trusted person who you actually rather enjoy. And you get to “treat” your family from time to time when you want to. Life is just that comfortable.

As a side note you love the car you drive, the neighborhoods in which you live, your job, your body, and you cherish every moment of life in general. There are always those blips in life, but they only make you appreciate what you achieve in the end. Remember that.


Your (future) Self.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Life Copies My Refrigerator

"Be free, day and night
Whisper like my friend
Must have road to dream
Run like the music"
--magnet poetry.

Scrounging through my fridge for a little something to nibble on this afternoon, I found myself staring at magnet poetry that I'd constructed long ago. Reading the words that I undoubtedly read within an instant almost every day, I smiled, realizing how much my life actually follows those words.

In a humorous way, I am "free" most days and nights. But in the serious sense, I am feeling more free than I ever have in my life; spiritually,mentally, emotionally.

I am trying, more and more this past year, to speak in the words which my friends use, so that they know I truly resonate with them when they communicate with me. I am also trying to be a better listener instead of always the talker in relationships; to be more quiet; to "whisper like my friends".

Pretty much the most inspiring time in my life is when I am on the road. If I did not have the opportunity to travel, I feel like I'd be a devastated and immensely depressed person. Abstractly, in the actual magnet poetry, it says "road two dream"; which I could attach to the reason that I so yearn to have a lover to travel with.

And when I run these days, I put the music on for my inspiration and it makes my work outs feel to me as if they have been nearly effortless in hind-sight. I feel like I flow with it.

And with this, I digress:

It occurred to me how simple it is to be affected by words. How, unbeknownst to myself, my reading those words daily, placed a few things in my universe without a conscious effort of my own. It causes me to wonder what advertisements or the news say to our subconscious minds. What are the words which we as individuals or communities give out and receive in producing in the world and for our planet? What effect do these have on our own hearts and souls? To the hearts and souls to others?

Just an interesting thought that I'll leave myself with.

Friday, June 17, 2011


I am a carnivore

The scent of blood surrounds me,

Pumping through the red highways

That line the animal’s skin and tissues;

The long and narrow

Or small and bulbous fibers;

The meat that my tongue and cheeks crave.

The muscles that protrude and

Boast of ability

To survive through the tests of time.

My prey lies in fields of grass.


Taking in the sun and sights,

Robed in bright colors that label him “most wanted”.

His whiskers do not sense me and

He doesn’t even know I’m coming

To devour that juicy blood-engorged chamber

And that when I bite,

From the very first nibble,

As pleasurably painful as it may be,

I am lethal.

That I will be the end of him.

I am woman.

More dangerous than the most dangerous animal.


**Inspired by the "wildlife" (if you know what I mean) of Yosemite. Thank you gentleman for the sometimes breath-taking views!